Quit Wicked Company

Or, Elbow out the Bullshit

This postcard has circulated from room to room, house to house over the last ten years as a talisman for remembering who I will allow to enter, or stay, in my life. During a particularly tumultuous stretch of my early forties, it snuck into my subconscious and begged me to let go of three interconnected friendships, all of whom had taken so much more than they’d given, all of which had been enabled by me. I like to think that over time, this weathered card has borne witness to my awkward process of becoming my better self, which feels nothing short of an elongated adolescence in many ways, self doubt and dorky dance moves included.

But what to make of quitting wicked company when that company is your self? A recent stark image comes to mind- me, curled up on the end of our couch, sleep deprived for days, prednisone coursing through my veins, toggling between a mania like chatter and hysterical sobbing as my husband stood patiently by. I moved like a neurotic bird, tremoring, pacing from the living room to the bathroom and back again. I wasn’t really doing anything in either place but I couldn’t sit still. Stillness was the enemy. Sitting with my own company was intolerable.

I’d like to blame it all on the steroids. And that is partial truth. But there have been many more moments during this disease that have felt similarly unbearable. Countless hours of nothing but my own company, a constant loop of anxiety and fear unmovable by any type of distraction. One friend recommended diving more deeply into the fear. Another suggested micro dosing. My parents begged me to get psychiatric help. And dozens gave the ol’ very well intended mindfulness advice- be in the moment, be with your breath. (“There’s an app for this!”) Which, when you can’t breathe with ease, is like the cruelest form of torture imaginable.

On my walk this morning, I was listening to a podcast about a woman’s Long Covid recovery story and she described her process as ‘elbowing out the bullshit’. Bingo. I so relate. And for me, so much of my recovery has been about elbowing out my own bullshit. Wait. Let me practice self compassion here- And for me, so much of my recovery has been about addressing my lifelong relationship to fear and anxiety. That’s better. Quitting my own wicked company has required a very raw recognition of the ways in which I allow my mind to rule the roost.

This is not a linear process and I still feel very amateur at the practice. I think of it much like picking up bread crumbs along an overgrown path, bushwhacking through thicket and nettle to sight the next clue. What is key, here, and what I wish I’d understood in that desperate moment eight short weeks ago curled up on our couch was that this is one piece of getting better that I can shape. When the neurologist tells you she has no diagnostic to offer and the pulmonologist says quit focusing on cause and every drug you take makes you feel sicker from side effects than any promised benefit, you can still do this other part.

My hands are twitchy today as my neuropathy settles back in. Same with my toes. I don’t love that this is happening in my body but I’m no longer afraid of it. I’m also not obsessed with how long it may last or if it will worsen; I just kind of think of it as a new Adele quirk that may make my awkward dance moves more awkward and that’s ok. I feel less at peace with the aching and tightness in my chest, with the shortness of breath. My acupuncturist, whom I adore, reminded me yesterday of the relationship between lungs and grief and so this is where I will continue to focus on freeing up ease.

Quitting my own wicked company is also about inviting in new company that is wise, nurturing and fucking funny. Some particularly helpful resources for me in finding these new characters include books- The Way Out, Unwinding Anxiety, How to be Sick, The Invisible Kingdom- podcasts- Smartless (I mean, tell me you don’t LOL- thanks JS for this) Tell Me About Your Pain, Like Mind, Like Body, Hidden Brain- music- I have a friend who has been sending me new music every day and it’s been SO rad- Calling out of Context, Captain of None, Rock and Roll Night Club to name a few.